Ask most people who is "responsible" when a couple struggles to conceive, and the answer tends to come out the same way: the woman. It is an assumption so common that we rarely stop to question it. On the me&my Health Up podcast, two authors who have spent years working on this topic explained why that assumption leaves a lot of people uninformed, isolated and carrying a burden that was never meant to sit with one person.
Bilge Gare and Valerie Kvita wrote I Am Magic: The Ultimate Fertility Workbook for Empowerment, Choice and Self-Love. They were the first fertility guests Anthony had interviewed, and the conversation kept coming back to one idea: know your body, know your options, and do it together.
Two different paths to the same conversation
Valerie's story began at 35. She felt she needed to know more about her body, so she had tests done to understand where she stood. Those tests showed premature ovarian insufficiency, which meant her fertility looked more like that of a woman in her fifties. That gave her decisions to make earlier than she had expected. She chose social egg freezing, went through a couple of cycles, and found the process mentally draining more than physically. In time she decided that was as far as she wanted to take it, and turned her energy to the things that bring her joy.
Bilge came to the topic differently. She did not struggle with fertility herself. When she and her husband decided to try for a baby, she realised how much she had never been taught about her own body. She was surprised to learn that the fertile window is only around six to seven days a month. Despite biology classes and years of talking with other women, that was news to her at the end of her twenties.
The two met at a TEDx event where Bilge was speaking about coming out of the "fertility closet": the isolation people and couples feel when they are going through a fertility issue. Valerie said it was the first time she had heard anyone speak about the topic in public, and she went straight up to talk to her. The book grew from that meeting.
The burden people carry in silence
Bilge described fertility struggles as an emotional, financial and physical load that is very hard to share. Because it is so rarely discussed, people often go through it quietly for years, and it can touch careers, relationships and marriages.
She also raised the cost. She put the success rate of IVF at around 10 per cent for a typical couple in any given cycle, and noted that without insurance support, costs can quickly reach tens of thousands. Her point was not to put anyone off, but to say these are decisions that deserve good information rather than being made on the fly.
Anthony drew a parallel with mental health, which was a taboo topic not that long ago. Talking about it more openly has made a real difference, and the guests hope fertility follows the same path. Social media is helping, with more women sharing personal stories, but they feel men's stories are still lagging behind.
It is not only a woman's issue
Valerie shared a simple way of looking at where fertility issues sit: roughly a third with the woman, a third with the man, and a third with both. Bilge made the same point in her own words, that the sperm and the egg each carry consequences, even though the woman is the one who carries the baby. She also mentioned newer research linking semen to conditions such as preeclampsia and morning sickness, as one example of why men have a bigger role than most people assume.
So why are men so absent from the conversation? The guests suggested it is partly social. Men are less likely to visit the doctor to get things checked, and less likely to talk about worries and feelings. When something is spoken about less, less is known about it, and the stigma can grow stronger. If this theme feels familiar, Anthony explored a related pattern, men holding things in, in this article on sleep, stress and stoicism from the Men's Mental Health Show.
The guests were quick to add that it is not only on men to change. Women often feel the expectation to be the perfect mother and to take ownership of everything, and may not realise their partner is part of the picture too. Bilge said education has to reach women as well, so they can bring their partners along.
Start the conversation earlier
Anthony shared that when women come to see him wanting to fall pregnant, he encourages their partners to join the consultations, because it needs to be a joint journey from the very beginning. He also made a point that is easy to overlook: before anything else, both people need to agree on whether they want children at all. If one person is keen and the other is not, the burden will always land on the keen one.
Valerie added that she would love to see people learn earlier about what it takes to create new life, not only how to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Bodies change through puberty and keep changing through life, and people benefit from learning how to listen to their own body, ask questions, and reach out for help at the right time for them.
That kind of open, honest conversation is not easy with any difficult subject. For another example of how to approach a tough topic with care, see Grief Is Love: How to Talk With Someone Who Is Grieving.
What the book offers
Bilge and Valerie are clear that they are not medical professionals. Bilge works in tech and Valerie in communications and sustainability. They worked with experts, drew on research, and had the content reviewed by experts, then presented it in plain language.
They designed the book to sit between two kinds of fertility books: the heavily medical ones that leave you wondering how it applies to you, and the personal memoirs that describe one person's situation. Instead, it starts with what fertility is and how it applies to you, then moves through changes to your body, your environment and your mental health, with action lists along the way. It also points to extra resources such as podcasts, documentaries and books, and flags that assisted reproductive technology can come with legal limits depending on the country you live in.
The book is available on Amazon worldwide, and the authors were working on getting it into bookstores. You can find them on Instagram and TikTok, where they are reaching a younger audience too.
Takeaways to keep
- Know your body and your options. Get informed early, so decisions are your own.
- Include both partners. Fertility involves two bodies, and both deserve attention.
- Talk about it. Silence adds weight. Even one honest conversation can ease the isolation.
- Agree on the "why" first. Make sure you are both on board with the decision to have children.
- Look for practical, reliable resources that help you act, not just read.
This article is general information only and is not medical advice. If you have questions about fertility or reproductive health, speak with your doctor or a qualified health provider.
If you would like support building the daily habits that sit underneath your wellbeing, you are welcome to book a free 15-minute clarity call with me&my wellness and talk through what would help you most.
Listen to more episodes of Me and My Health Up on the me&my wellness podcasts page.