Two weeks before Melbourne went into lockdown in March 2020, Christy Roberts had just gone full-time into her life coaching business. Then her 18-year-old son, Aaron, was killed in a car accident. "In the blink of an eye," she says, her whole life imploded, personally and professionally.
Christy shared her story on the me&my health up podcast, and what stayed with me is how practical it was. Grief is something most of us will face, yet most of us feel completely unprepared to talk about it. Here is what she taught us about what grief is, how to speak with someone who is grieving, and how to tell a healthy expression of loss from one that has become stuck.
Grief is love with nowhere to go
Christy's definition is simple: grief is love. If we did not love, we would not grieve, and the depth of the grief matches the depth of the love. That framing changes how we look at it. Grief stops being a problem to be fixed and becomes a sign that something mattered.
It also widens the picture. Christy points out that grief is not only about death. It can follow:
- the end of a relationship, divorce or betrayal
- the loss of a pet
- job loss, redundancy or financial hardship
- natural disasters that take a home and belongings
- pregnancy loss, which is often minimised
- life transitions such as menopause, where some women feel they have lost their youth
In her words, anything that was there and now is not can be grieved. "I miss you. I wish you were still here. I'm sad I don't have this anymore."
Grief and trauma are not the same thing
Christy makes a useful distinction. All grief has some trauma in it, she says, but not all trauma involves grief. Grief is the missing and the sadness. Trauma is the nervous system response: sudden images, flooding, physical sensations and triggers.
A loss tends to become traumatic when it is sudden, unexpected or out of the natural order of life. Christy describes her own body's reaction in the first fortnight: heart palpitations, severe chest pain, a digestive system that shut down, and the sense that it was hard to breathe. If you are supporting someone in that state, it helps to know that these experiences are a recognised part of acute loss, not a sign that the person is being dramatic.
What to say to someone who is grieving
Many of us freeze here. I admitted on the show that I often find myself lost for words. Christy's reassurance was that it is perfectly fine to say, "I don't know what to say." You are witnessing, and being present counts for a lot.
She offered a few specific ideas.
Ask "How are you feeling today?"
A plain "How are you?" can be overwhelming. When Christy received that question by text, her mind would fragment and she simply could not answer, so she did not reply. Adding "today" makes it easier to answer honestly in the moment, whether that is exhausted, sad or okay. It also acknowledges that tomorrow, or next month, may feel different.
Let the pause do its work
We tend to fill silence because we worry we have said the wrong thing. Christy suggests the opposite. Someone in deep grief may need time for a fractured mind to put words around how they feel, and rushing in with more talk can leave them feeling bulldozed. Slow down and give the conversation space.
Do not expect every message to be answered
When a big loss happens, messages flood in, and replying to all of them is exhausting. Christy chose a small number of people to talk with and sent a brief thank-you to everyone else a day later. If you are the one sending the message, send it without expecting a reply. Grief takes a lot of energy, and conserving it matters.
The stages of grief, without a timetable
Christy is careful not to put firm timelines on grief, because every person and every loss is different. She describes several broad phases:
- Anticipatory loss: the grief before the loss, for example when caring for someone who is dying or facing redundancy. Even then, she says, people are often blindsided when it happens.
- Acute grief: the stage immediately after the loss, which for many people lasts from about a month to several months or longer.
- Early grief: things begin to stabilise and life resumes, typically across the first couple of years. Christy still counts herself partly in this stage four and a half years on.
- Mature grief: deep moments of sadness still come, but there is more acceptance, and less anger, bargaining or denial.
Rather than asking whether someone is progressing on schedule, Christy suggests a better question: is this a healthy expression of their loss?
Watch for the "if only" stories
Most people go through a stretch of should-have, could-have, would-have. What if I had been home? What if I had bought a different car? Christy says this is normal and natural in the first six to twelve months, because the mind is working hard to make sense of what happened. She notes that much of the professional work in grief involves guilt and shame.
Her own stories, she realised, were protecting her from feeling the loss itself. Every time she approached the sadness, a "what if" would appear and pull her attention away. She suggests testing these stories with simple questions. Is it true? Is it really true? Is it kind? Does it help me move through this loss or help me grow?
The same applies if someone you know has lost a person to suicide. Christy says these losses are among the least supported, and the guilt can be especially heavy. She explains that people in that situation often wanted the pain to stop rather than wanting to die, and that we take on responsibility we never had. "We don't have those superpowers," she says. Be kind to yourself.
She also shares a distinction I found helpful: pain is inevitable in grief, but suffering, which is the endless loop of stories, is optional over time.
When someone seems "stuck", look at your own discomfort
It is easy to think a friend should be over it by now, or to wonder why the family still holds a tribute years later. Christy's advice is to check your own reaction first. Often the judgement that someone is grieving "wrong" comes from the witness's discomfort with grief, not from the griever. The question to ask is whether their expression of loss looks healthy or unhealthy, not whether it is fast enough.
Growth alongside loss
Christy talks about post-traumatic growth rather than post-traumatic stress, and says her goal is not to get stuck in the trauma of her son's death but to grow from the experience. She describes her work, called self-directed healing, as teaching people to feel and process their own emotions, locating them in the body, staying with them fully until they pass, and getting curious about any feeling that does not shift. She is also honest that she could not do it alone, even with her training. External support helped her see what she could not see from inside.
She also remembers a time when staying sad felt like staying connected to Aaron, and says she found a healthier way to keep that connection.
Practical takeaways
- Say "I don't know what to say" if that is true. Honest presence is enough.
- Ask "How are you feeling today?" and then wait.
- Send support without expecting a reply.
- Remember that grief has no fixed timetable.
- Notice the "if only" stories and gently ask whether they are true and kind.
- Get support. Grief is not something you are meant to carry alone.
Where to find Christy Roberts
Christy offers free discovery calls through her website, christierobertscoaching.com, and shares her work on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram under the handle Christie Roberts Coaching.
This article is general information from a podcast conversation and is not medical, psychological or professional advice. If you are struggling with grief or thoughts of self-harm, please speak with your doctor or a qualified health professional. In Australia, Lifeline is available any time on 13 11 14.
At me&my wellness, we look at health as the whole person, including the emotional side that so often gets overlooked. If you would like to talk through where you are at, you are welcome to book a free 15-minute clarity call.