Most advice about life after a breakup is really advice about finding the next person. In this Health Up conversation, relationship and mindset coach Miranda Clare, who calls herself the Soulmate Coach, argues for a different order: work on your relationship with yourself first, then go looking for a partner. It is a practical, sometimes cheeky framework, and you do not need to be freshly single to get something out of it.
Miranda describes herself as a relationship and mindset expert, speaker, coach, writer and matchmaker. She has more than 11 years as a relationship expert and about two decades studying relationships, human behaviour and personal development. This was her second visit to the show. Last time she covered how to leave a relationship without leaving any stone unturned, so you do not carry baggage into the next one. This time the question was what comes next.
A two-step plan: self-love first, soulmate second
Miranda's approach has two stages. Step one is self-love, which she also calls self-dating. Step two is what she calls soulmating: meeting someone once the first stage is in place. She splits step one into three parts: heal your heart, master your mindset, and refresh how you present yourself.
1. Heal your heart: look at your patterns
If you keep attracting the same type of partner, such as someone emotionally unavailable, a narcissist or a relationship that involves an affair, Miranda says the common denominator is you. She is careful to say this is not about blame or playing the victim. It is about taking responsibility. Her image: you can be angry about the fish you keep catching, or you can get curious about the bait you keep putting on the hook.
She also makes the point that wounds are there to be healed, not covered over by the next relationship, and that fixing them is no partner's job. In her experience, the deepest wounds are often unconscious, which is one reason she believes an outside perspective helps. Her summary of the cycle is memorable: same pattern, different body.
2. Master your mindset: listen to the story you tell
Heart work, as Miranda describes it, deals with the wounds that get triggered. Mindset work deals with your self-talk, your identity and your language around relationships. Phrases like "there's a man drought" or "online dating is cheap and nasty" set the lens you look through. Compare that with her own framing: she has not had a million failed relationships, she has had a million dress rehearsals.
When Anthony raised the common thought "nobody loves me" after being dumped, Miranda's view was that the story, rather than the breakup itself, is often what keeps people low. Her cake analogy: swap one ingredient, say sugar for salt, and you get a completely different cake. Change one sentence in your head, from "nobody loves me" to "that relationship showed me what I do and don't want", and you get a different attitude and energy. She adds that you are never really single. You are dating yourself, with or without someone else.
3. The makeover: the gift wrapping, not a new personality
This part can sound superficial, but Miranda says it comes after the inner work and is anything but trivial. People form impressions quickly, through energy, eye contact, body language, tone of voice and appearance. Her makeover covers style, communication, your dating profile and even your home. The test she suggests is simple: would you date you?
She is clear that this is about authenticity, not perfection. Be about 90 per cent focused on what you would want to be, then look at whether a 10 per cent stretch towards the kind of person you hope to meet fits who you really are.
Why the order matters: avoiding the rebound
Anthony pointed out that when you have been the one left behind, the pull towards a quick rebound can be strong. Miranda's sequence is designed to slow that down. Heal the patterns, tidy up the story, and be someone you would choose to spend time with, and the search for a partner starts from a steadier place.
Miranda's daily rhythm
Miranda shared how she structures her own day. She calls it three chunks: the "five to nine" for herself, the "nine to five" for work (which she sees as relationships too), and the evening for her people. These are her personal routines rather than a prescription, so borrow what suits you.
- Morning: She is up at 5am, puts on affirmations, has hot water with lemon and avoids social media and email for the first stretch. She exercises, then does a short sound-healing meditation, which she says is easier when the body has already moved.
- Gratitude: She writes about 20 things she is grateful for from the last 24 hours. Her tip is specificity. "I'm grateful for my partner" is nice, but the smiley face made out of vegetables on the dinner plate lands in the heart.
- Evening: A walk and talk, alone or with her partner. Together they take turns sharing what they loved about the day, what was hard and what they learned, then do the same about each other, taking personal ownership of their triggers. The listener does not interrupt or rebut. Her night ends around 9pm with affirmations or something calming.
If this sounds like a lot, notice the pattern underneath it: start the day with something that fills your own tank, and end it by connecting with the people who matter. For more on how daily habits and energy fit together, see Anthony's own routines in Energy and Happiness: Looking After a Charged Body and an Ordered Mind.
Be, do, have: work it backwards
Anthony mentioned a to-be list, an idea he picked up from the book Think Like a Monk, and Miranda built on it. Most of us think in the order be, do, have, she said, but it works better in reverse. Start with what you want to have, perhaps seven years from now. Ask what you would need to do in the next 12 months to get it. Then ask who you would need to be to do those things.
Her example was a dream car. If you wanted to own it within a year, what would you do? Work out the numbers, and even take a test drive to get "in vibration" with it. Then check your identity. If a good friend described you as a procrastinator or self-doubting, that is where to start, because you never outperform your identity.
Practical takeaways
- Notice any repeating pattern in who you attract, and get curious about your own part in it.
- Listen to the sentence you repeat about relationships, and try rewriting one ingredient.
- Ask yourself honestly whether you would date you, and what one change would make the answer a more confident yes.
- Try a gratitude list that only covers the last 24 hours and gets specific.
- Schedule a walk and talk with a partner or friend: share what you loved, what was hard and what you learned, and listen without interrupting.
A note before you go
This article shares one guest's views and personal routines for general information only. It is not medical or psychological advice. Sadness after a relationship ends is normal, and reframing your thoughts is not a substitute for support. If a breakup is affecting your mental health or daily life, please speak with your GP or a qualified health professional.
At me&my wellness, we look at wellbeing as a whole, because how you feel about yourself and your relationships flows through to your sleep, energy and eating. If you would like to talk about what support could look like, you can book a free 15-minute clarity call, or explore our personal wellbeing programs. If mindset is the part you want to keep working on, you might also enjoy Finding Meaning in Anxiety: How Coach Mike Lea Rebuilt His Life.
Listen to more episodes of me&my Health Up on the me&my wellness podcasts page.