Imagine waking up tomorrow and being completely, permanently happy. No dips, no worries, nothing left to want. It sounds like the finish line. But in a live masterclass recorded for the Joyful Mate podcast, Anthony Hartcher and a participant named Ben talked it through and landed somewhere surprising: if you were always happy, you would probably stop doing anything at all.
That idea sits at the heart of this episode, which is drawn from an online masterclass on the "happiness trap". Here are the main ideas, in plain language, so you can try them yourself.
Listen to more episodes of Joyful Mate on the me&my wellness podcasts page.
What is happiness, really?
The conversation began with a simple question for Ben: what is happiness to you? His answer was practical. It was doing the things that matter most to him: family, health, education, and the sports and hobbies that get him out of the work zone. When your days are built around what is meaningful to you, he said, you feel satisfied and content.
Anthony pointed out that this is exactly why happiness is so personal. Two people can share a value, such as family, but hold it at very different volumes. One person could talk about family all evening, while another is happy with a little while and then wants to move on. The value overlaps, but the magnitude is different.
When the pair read out textbook definitions, the same themes kept appearing. Happiness is described as a complex, multifaceted emotion that runs from quiet contentment to intense joy. Psychologists often break it into two parts: how satisfied you feel with your life, and the balance between positive and negative emotions. In other words, it is not a single feeling. It is a range.
The happiness cup
Throughout the episode, Anthony used a simple picture: a cup or glass that you are always topping up. Spending time with family fills it. So does looking after your health, or doing something you enjoy. Gratitude, which Ben named as one of his two top ingredients, helps too, because appreciating what you already have makes the cup feel fuller.
But the cup also gets knocked. Something happens, water spills, and you feel a void. Anthony's point was that this is not a failure. The void is what motivates change. It nudges you to say no next time, to spend time differently, or to start something new. If your cup were never knocked, there would be no reason to move.
So the aim is not a cup that is full every minute of every day. It is a cup that is mostly full, and a habit of topping it up when it dips.
Four happiness myths worth questioning
The pair worked through several common beliefs about happiness. Each one has a kernel of truth, and each one is a trap if you take it too literally.
Myth 1: I should always be happy
Happiness feels special partly because it comes and goes. Without contrast, you would have nothing to compare it to. Ben summed it up with the yin and yang idea: there is always a little yin inside the yang, and a little yang inside the yin.
Myth 2: More money will make me happy
A new purchase brings novelty and play for a while, then the feeling settles. Even an experience such as a holiday is a moment in time, not something you hold for life. The same logic applies to major life events. Anthony noted that people can picture marriage or parenthood as all good, then discover the full picture, which includes challenge and support in the same breath. Often, he said, you wouldn't have it any other way.
Myth 3: If I just had that, I would be happy
This is the "grass is greener" pull. Ben shared a funny example from work, where people stuck at a desk dream of picking up a shovel, then miss the desk a couple of hours later. What we focus on tends to become our reality. Pausing to appreciate where you are can quietly shift the feeling from "I need something else" to "this is actually not too bad".
Myth 4: Happiness is the same for everyone
It is not. What fills your cup depends on what you value, and that is shaped by who you are.
Why the build-up often feels better than the arrival
One of the most relatable parts of the episode was about anticipation. Anthony explained that the lead-up to something good, such as a holiday, a meal or a purchase, can feel better than the thing itself, and he linked this to the surge of dopamine we get when we expect a reward. He shared the example of imagining a bacon and egg roll: the excitement builds, peaks before the first bite, and then eases.
Ben had his own versions. Think of the teenage thrill of trying to get into a club, then discovering that being allowed in is not quite what you imagined. Or the big night out that never lives up to the plan, while the unplanned evening turns out to be brilliant. Their shared takeaway was that lower expectations leave more room for a pleasant surprise, while very high expectations leave more room for letdown.
If you are curious about how setting rigid happiness goals can backfire, the post on why you can't set a goal to be happy explores a related angle from another guest.
Two feelings can sit side by side
Anthony described leaving a weekly group he had been part of. He felt sadness at not seeing those people each week, relief, and excitement about what was next, all in the same moment. He called this "entanglement". Joy and loss are often mixed together, and what we choose to focus on shapes how we remember the moment.
It is a gentle reminder that you do not have to label a day as either good or bad. You can notice both parts, and be grateful for the whole thing.
Small moments of presence
Ben shared two moments that stuck with him. One was standing in an airport queue at the end of a holiday and realising he had no urge to pick up his phone. He felt content simply being himself. The other was leaving his phone at home for half an hour and feeling a surprising sense of freedom, just watching a red light and letting his mind drift.
Anthony tied this to something he sees as central to happiness: knowing yourself. That takes time with your own thoughts. When an uncomfortable feeling comes up, it is tempting to reach for a distraction, whether that is scrolling, shopping, sugar or a drink. A distraction can work as a short-term coping tool, but it does not usually last. Sitting with the thought, working through it, or asking for help when you need it, tends to serve you better.
He also mentioned the role of comparison. Picking up your phone often means looking at other people's highlight reels, which can leave your own day feeling smaller than it is.
A pyramid for happiness
Drawing on the idea of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Anthony shared a work-in-progress "ascension of happiness" pyramid. The foundation is the basics: food, water, a sense of safety and trusted relationships. He added that time outdoors and sunshine support the brain chemistry linked with feeling good, and that nutrients from food are needed to make those chemicals.
Once that base is steady, the next levels are knowing yourself, living by your priorities, and appreciating who you are, including the parts you once disliked. At the top is a sense of connection with others. Anthony was clear that this is something you keep working towards rather than something you finally "reach".
Try this today
- Write down three things that fill your cup, then do one of them before the day ends.
- Notice when you are in the build-up to something. Enjoy the anticipation without expecting the event to match it.
- Spend ten minutes without your phone and see what your mind does.
- Next time a day feels "all bad", look for the other thread that sits beside it.
If low mood or anxiety feels heavy or constant, this episode is a conversation, not a substitute for support, so please speak with your GP or a mental health professional.
For more reflections like this, explore the conversation with Larry Kesslin on finding "enough" and keep listening to the Joyful Mate podcast. If you would like help building habits that support your energy and wellbeing, you can also book a free 15-minute clarity call with me&my wellness.