You've had a huge week. Deadlines, bills, a dozen tabs open in your head. And before you know it, you're back at the very habit you promised yourself you'd left behind. The biscuits. The extra glass of wine. The bet you swore was your last.
Then comes the second wave: guilt, frustration and the voice that says, "See? You'll never change."
If that sounds familiar, this article is for you. In a recent episode of the Joyful Mate Podcast, I explored the link between anxiety and addiction, and why a slip back into old ways is not the end of your progress. Here's what I shared.
A relapse is not a reset
This topic came up in a conversation with a client. He was stressed and upset because he'd relapsed into an old addictive pattern. He felt like he'd gone backwards.
I reassured him that he was still making progress. Yes, he'd had a relapse. But relapses can happen when we become overwhelmed, because the old wiring is still there.
Think about it this way. If a behaviour has been your way of coping for a long time, it has built up many associations in your life. It's linked to certain times, places, moods and situations. That means there are many ways it can be activated, and many moments when it can lead to the behaviour you don't want.
Understanding this takes a lot of the shame out of a slip. It isn't a character flaw. It's a well-worn pathway doing what it has always done.
Anxiety is the nightmare, addiction is the escape
So how are anxiety and addiction connected?
Anxiety, in essence, is a nightmare. It's the things we don't want in our life. It's the uncertainty that makes us feel nervous, on edge and unable to relax.
Addictions are behaviours we formed in the past that help us do one of two things. Either they help us escape, running away from that nightmare, or they help the nervous system relax. Some, like nicotine, alcohol and food, settle the nervous system quickly and give us a short-term way of coping.
An addictive behaviour can take many forms. It might be food, alcohol, drugs, sex or gambling. Anything that brings relief, or connects us with a fantasy so we can avoid the nightmare.
Gambling shows this clearly. When someone is living a nightmare around their finances, they may try to gamble their way out of it. They attach themselves to the fantasy of a big win, even though the chance of winning is very low. That hope and fantasy is what keeps them going back.
The problem is that none of these behaviours resolves the root cause. They offer relief for now, so we keep returning to something that is no longer serving us.
We all have a default
Here's something that might surprise you. We all have some kind of addiction, something we default to when life gets hard. The real question is whether your default is taking you where you want to go.
Many people don't mind enjoying food. But they know the consequence of reaching for it every time they're stressed, and they don't want to gain weight. So they're looking for something more resourceful, something that takes them closer to their goal of being healthy.
What they're really searching for is a way to relax the nervous system without defaulting to food or alcohol.
Choose a default that moves you forward
The answer isn't to have no coping strategies at all. It's to find behaviours that nurture your end goal, and to keep using them when you're not coping or feeling overwhelmed.
That could be a form of mindfulness. It could be meditation, yoga or exercise. And yes, these can become habits you reach for automatically when you're stressed. That's perfectly fine, because they're taking you closer to your goals and they align with your values.
For example, your goal might be to grow a business, but you want to do it in a healthy way, one that doesn't compromise your health. In that case, meditation or mindfulness is a far better default than drugs or alcohol.
Step one: awareness
The first step in breaking any addictive cycle is awareness. It's noticing that you're going to these behaviours.
That's what I told my client. The first tick of the box is that you're now aware of what you're doing, and you want to break that circuit.
Yes, it will take work. Hardwired pathways take effort to change, especially when a behaviour has lots of associations, including many positive ones. The goal is to gradually unravel those associations and rewire them towards things that take you closer to where you want to go. That's how you move away from feeling like it's always two steps back and one step forward.
So start here. Notice when you're feeling unsettled and reaching for food, or whatever your old pattern is. That noticing is progress.
Step two: set up a new default
Once you're aware, ask yourself: what else could I do to calm my nervous system?
Then set that up as the habit you default to when you're triggered. When you're not coping, when you feel uncertain, or when you have what feels like a lot of folders open in your head, you have a plan.
It might look like this: "Okay, I'm going to step away from all of this overwhelm. Away from my phone, away from devices, away from distractions. I'm going to go to this place and do a calming practice." That could be a yoga session or some exercise.
Over time, something important happens. When your brain becomes uneasy or agitated, it starts to associate that feeling with a response that serves you better.
Step three: make the old habit harder and the new one easier
Your environment matters. To support your new default, make it harder to access the old coping mechanism.
If food is your go-to, stop buying the foods you reach for when you're feeling nervous, anxious, uneasy, uncertain or overwhelmed. Make them genuinely inconvenient to get to.
At the same time, make your new coping mechanism as easy as possible to access. Keep the yoga mat out. Have a quiet spot ready. Remove the friction from the habit you want and add friction to the one you don't.
Count the true cost
These addictive behaviours did serve you for a period of time. They helped you get through. But if you know there's a consequence and you keep doing them anyway, they're costing you something.
They may be costing you financially. They may be costing you your health. And they can cost you relationships. In my client's case, he was close to losing his relationship as a result of this behaviour.
When those costs start to weigh up, that's a sign it's time to break free.
Progress over perfection
Breaking an addictive habit takes work, and it starts with talking to someone who can help you along the way. You don't have to do it alone.
If an old habit is starting to cost you and you're ready for change, I'd love to help. Book a free 30-minute coaching session with me and we can start working through the habit you want to break, and build better associations that serve you.
Book your free 30-minute coaching session →
And until next time, keep working on experiencing more joy, happiness and fulfilment in ways that serve you and align with who you are. It's all about progress. Whatever your next step is, take it.
Listen to the full episode, "Anxiety and Addictions", on the Joyful Mate Podcast.
This article shares general information for education and is not a substitute for personalised professional advice. If you're struggling, please reach out to a qualified health professional.
