Have you ever left the movies with a friend, turned to each other and discovered you watched two completely different films? One of you says it was the best movie ever. The other thinks it was a letdown. Same screen, same story, same two hours, and yet two very different experiences.
That small moment in the foyer is a neat picture of how all of us move through life. In this episode of the Joyful Mate Podcast, host Anthony Hartcher explores perceptions: why we see the world the way we do, how judgment keeps us stuck, and what we can do to catch ourselves in the act.
We Think We See Reality. We See a Filtered Version.
Most of us assume that what we see is simply what is there. Everyone else must see it the same way, right? Anthony's point is that this is rarely true. We all receive the same sensory input, but our brains filter it, and the filter is built from our past experiences. The way we interpret an event is shaped by everything we have lived through so far.
Think about where that filter comes from. When we are young, we see the world through our parents, carers, teachers and friends. These are the people we look up to, so their views shape our views, and we often value their input more than our own. As Anthony points out, a child or teenager may not yet have the developed thinking skills to question what they are told. We simply take it on board as the way things are.
The filter keeps shaping how we see things today, and it will keep doing so unless we choose to change the lens.
Judgment Adds an Emotion, and That Holds Us Back
When we judge something, we attach an emotion to it. It is good or it is bad. Anthony gives a simple example: someone says "that's so bad", and another person, hearing the same thing, might think "that's so good". Often people just agree with whoever spoke first. Neither is describing the thing itself. Both are describing a judgment.
The trouble is that judgment creates limiting beliefs about how we see the world, other people and ourselves. Many of the harshest judgments are the ones we aim at ourselves, and some of them were picked up long ago from people we trusted.
Once we hold a judgment, our brains go looking for evidence to support it. We also tend to gravitate towards people who believe the same things, which reinforces the belief even more. The result, Anthony says, is a cycle of frustration, irritability and sometimes anger, with the sense that the world is unfair and other people are the problem.
Food Is Food: An Example From Nutrition
As a nutritionist, Anthony sees this play out around food. Our beliefs about food are often shaped by influencers, clinicians, GPs, dietitians or friends, and we end up seeing food the way they see it. But food is food. It is the judgment we place on it that makes it what we think it is.
The same goes for health measures. If health is only a number on the scales, then frustration is guaranteed, because that number moves with water retention, hormones, the weather, the time of year and even how we are thinking about ourselves. A broader view of health might include how you are sleeping, how you interact with other people, how you relate to yourself, and whether you are judging yourself less. As Anthony says, judging yourself less is healthy.
A Story About Measuring Worth
Anthony shares an example from his own career. He used to work in corporate and was well paid. When he changed direction, he had to start again, because his connections, expertise and credibility had been built in a different field. Starting over meant earning less, and he found himself frustrated, because he was measuring his worth through a money lens.
The question he asked himself was: how do you measure the feeling of fulfilment, or the sense that you have made a difference in a client's life? It is hard to put a number on it, but it feels great. These days he uses broader measures of progress. He prefers the word growth to success, because success can invite complacency, while growth keeps you moving.
When Attachment to an Identity Becomes a Harsh Judgment
Anthony also describes an experience on a New Year's Day, when he took part in an ocean rescue. He went out to help two men who were struggling in the water, applying what he knew. The aftermath stirred up a lot, and it took time, deep reflection and plenty of writing to understand why.
What he came to see was an attachment to an identity. Having been a lifesaver for most of his life, through the surf clubs and off-duty rescues, he held a strong association with the label "lifesaver". When a life could not be saved, he judged himself harshly as a failure. The reframe was that he did his best to help people struggling in the ocean, which is exactly what he did that day, using the skills and resources he had.
The other shift came from listening. People approached him, noticed he was struggling, and offered their own view of the event. Some were frustrated that more of the large crowd on the beach had not gone into the water. But Anthony noticed that this view depends on having only one definition of help: someone physically going out to assist. Around him, help was happening in many other forms. People were calling triple zero. His daughter was running around looking for more buoyancy devices, because it was out of hours and much of the rescue equipment was locked away. A shop owner was handing out hot chocolates and coffees to first responders and others affected. Each person was helping within their own skills and capability.
The Same Idea Applies to Love and Gifts
If you apply this to relationships, it gets interesting. If you believe love must look a certain way, and your partner is not doing that thing, you may never feel loved, because you have judged what love is. But love comes in many forms, and people give it in the way that suits their skills, knowledge and experience.
Gifts are another everyday example. We often give what matters to us, not what matters to the other person. We project our own values onto them and expect them to be pleased. When the gift does not land, it is because they have a different value set. Giving something that is significant to them is the best way to have it appreciated.
How to Catch Yourself Mid-Judgment
So how do we loosen the grip of a narrow lens? Anthony offers a simple sequence:
- Notice the signs. Constant frustration, irritability, anger or feeling annoyed are good prompts to stop and reflect.
- Ask how you are seeing it. Recognise that you are looking through a filter, not at reality itself.
- Look at what you are not seeing. If you only see the downside, look for the upside. If you only see the upside, as people sometimes do at the start of a relationship, look at the downside too.
- Take the emotion out. The aim is to see the whole picture, with both sides, so that the event or behaviour is no longer simply good or bad.
- Look for what it offers you. Ask how the situation is helping you and what you value about it. The more you look, the more the emotion eases.
Anthony also makes a point about other people's behaviour. Often we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves. When we dissolve the label we attach to a behaviour, other people's actions stop affecting us in the same way, and relationships can improve. We can own a behaviour without judging it.
A Lifelong Practice
None of this is a one-off fix. Anthony calls it a work in progress and a lifelong journey. But the reward is worth the effort. When we see the world through a broader lens, we feel more joy and fulfilment, and more gratitude and love for the way the world and the people in it actually are, without wishing they were different.
Blame, he says, disempowers us. Putting down the blame, whether it is aimed at ourselves, others or circumstances, puts us back in the driver's seat so we can head for the destination we want.
Listen to the Full Episode
This post only touches on the ideas in the conversation. If someone in your life is feeling frustrated, irritable or stuck in blame, share the episode with them. You can hear the full discussion on the Joyful Mate Podcast, and if you enjoy it, please like the episode and subscribe for more insights on joy, fulfilment and happiness.
This article is general information about perspective and wellbeing and is not a substitute for professional advice.