Most of us have rehearsed a difficult conversation in the shower, in the car, or at 2am staring at the ceiling. We want to give honest feedback, ask for what we need, or raise something that has been bothering us. Then fear gets in the way: what will they think, how will they react, will it damage the relationship?
On a recent episode of the Joyful Mate podcast, I spoke with Dr Amber Bartlett, a doctor of psychology who spent around 15 years in corporate America working on employee engagement, employee experience and talent development before going out on her own to coach business owners. Her answer to the dread around hard conversations was refreshingly practical. There is a structure, she says, that makes these conversations "go 150 times better than if you just wing it".
Amber's own story sets the scene. Her goal for a decade or more was the proverbial corporate ladder. The higher she climbed, the less she enjoyed the view. It became political and bureaucratic, and she was no longer doing the people-focused work she loved. She describes feeling like a square peg being squeezed into a round hole.
So she took what she had learned and started working for herself, helping other business owners. She admits it might sound "fluffy", but being able to make a tangible difference in other people's lives is what gets her out of bed. Her view is that life is short, and she wants hers filled with fulfilment, understanding and joy. As I said to her, it is a win-win: you see the difference you are making, and the other person gets the benefit too.
Amber works with business owners, and she points out that running a business can be isolating, especially if you are a solopreneur. So much rests on your shoulders, and the business is tangled up with your personal life. Her coaching splits roughly half and half between practical business work and mindset: your belief systems, your limiting beliefs, your powerful beliefs, and your why.
When clients work on that first, she says, the business results often take care of themselves. Clients tell her they have just had their biggest month ever, and she reminds them of the new energy they are putting out. They did not set out for that result, but becoming more whole personally, mentally and emotionally flows through to everything else.
Many of Amber's clients arrive burned out, overwhelmed and stuck in the day-to-day, and they no longer remember why they started their business. Her first move is simple: rewind. Why did you start this? What prompted you to put in all that effort? She likens it to unlayering the heavy day-to-day stuff until you can see the little fire that was burning in the first place, and then reignite it.
If someone says they have no idea what their purpose or gifts are, she offers a few ways in:
Amber is honest that she does not claim to know her own purpose "100%", and that working it out is not easy. But she believes the effort is worth it, simply to feel you are on a path rather than being knocked around by the rocks in the river. It is also an evolving thing. We pick up new skills and interests along the way, and curiosity is what leads us to the next step. In our chat I mentioned that studies of the Blue Zones keep pointing to a purposeful, meaningful life as one of the common threads, which is one more reason to put in the effort.
This was the part of our conversation I found most useful. Amber's example is a leader who needs to talk to an employee, Billy, whose sales have dipped. She stresses the same tools work in any conversation, not just at work.
Compare two openings. The first: "Billy, your sales numbers have really dipped and I need you to get them back up." Billy is caught off guard and gets defensive. The second: "Billy, I value you highly as part of the team and your results have usually been strong. Because I value you, I want to talk about the dip over the last couple of months and figure it out together."
Same issue, very different conversation. Billy now knows why he is there, that he is cared about, and that he is supported.
Amber notes that our first instinct, when we have to respond to something, is to ask "what's in it for me?" So she suggests saying why it matters to the other person. In the example, the leader adds that she knows Billy wants to move into a director role and wants to help him get there by understanding how to bring his numbers back up. Now it is not an abstract conversation about numbers. It is connected to something Billy wants.
Once you have set up the why, your job is not to have all the answers. It is to say, in effect, "I care about you, your numbers are dipping, what is going on?" The onus is on the other person to share what is happening, and you are there to listen. Amber says this takes the pressure off the person starting the conversation. Instead of lying awake the night before with butterflies, you can "sleep like a baby".
I connected this to Maslow's hierarchy. When you start with "I value you", the person feels safe and secure, and then you can take them further up the pyramid.
We talked about how the 24-hour news cycle keeps many of us in a low-level state of fear, so we walk into conversations a little insecure and guarded. That makes it even more important to signal quickly that we are not a threat. Amber's view is that humans want to feel safe, valued, heard and seen. If leaders could get those foundations right, she says, "we would revolutionise the workplace". It is not complicated: talk human to human.
Amber also works with many executive women, and she sees the same pattern: even high-powered leaders hesitate to speak up about their struggles, or about what they are good at. Her phrase for the antidote is "own your awesome". The hesitancy is usually driven by fear of what people will think and how it might affect careers or relationships. The shift comes from valuing yourself above a reaction you cannot control anyway. You cannot control how someone responds, but you can control your message.
For comparison and low self-worth, she suggests turning your attention inward. One client's mindset goal is to celebrate every win. Another exercise is to sit with a pen and paper and write down everything you like about yourself. Amber says that so far no one has handed her a blank page.
When we are too busy doing, there is no time to reflect, so Amber encourages her clients to schedule it. That might be 10 to 15 minute breaks through the day for meditation, yoga or cuddling a dog. She also asks many clients to protect the time between getting out of bed and starting work: no phone, no email, no chores. Use it for reflection and visualisation, because, as she puts it, it will not happen by accident. In her own day, play breaks with her dogs are scheduled right into the calendar, and she notes that productivity tends to fade after about 90 minutes of focused work.
You can find Dr Amber Bartlett on LinkedIn by searching her name, or visit her website at strength-point.com.
If this resonated, you can hear the full conversation on the Joyful Mate podcast, where each episode explores joy, connection and wellbeing, and shares insights from my book-writing adventure on happiness.