Enhancing Relationships during a Pandemic

me&my health up podcast episode #30- Transcript

Anthony Hartcher 0:00
Welcome to another insightful episode of me&my health up. The purpose of this podcast is to enhance and enlighten the well being of others. I’m your host Anthony Hartcher. I’m a clinical nutritionist and lifestyle medicine specialist.

This episode is centred on enhancing relationships with relationship coach and chief relaxation officer, Ingrid Galloway. Ingrid is the founder of Kayangan, which means heaven. It’s a wellness clinic based in Sydney, Australia.

She has been a relationship coach for 11 years and a spa therapist for 21 years, mainly in five star hotel day spas. So she uses looking after her clients of that are very highly stressed from all over the world. Her work is always focused on stress, relaxation, and relationships. She has a kind soul, always seeking to reach out and support the healing process of stress people broken lonely hearted singles, stressed out parents as well as in loving couples that have crossed her path.

She does one to one coaching, group workshops, retreats for the broken and lonely hearted signals, see signal signal people. How am I gonna get that right? And couples? So welcome, Ingrid, how are you today?

Ingrid Galloway 1:30
Thank you very much for inviting me here. Looking forward to having a chat with you.

Anthony Hartcher 1:37
A delight to have you on and really looking forward to our conversation. So you know, for the sake of the listeners, tell us a little bit about how you’ve arrived to being a relationship coach?

Ingrid Galloway 1:49
So I moved to Australia by the age of 21, to escape from my mother, and get married to my first husband, not a very good reason to get married, by the way. But I was in love with him.

But part of my reason was to escape, because I disagree with you know, some of the upbringing such as, guilt, shame, suppress anger, etc. So I didn’t feel home back home. And the only way to actually move out of home is by getting married. So there you go. That’s my honest truth.

And then, unfortunately, my first marriage, which was 10 years long, it was an abusive relationship. So I left after three attempts. And during my healing process, I went to several self development seminars, I went to see a couple of therapists and I went back to college to study counselling and life coaching.

Straightaway, I knew that I would be a coach, not a counsellor, and my niche would be in relationship because I am passionate and compassionate to help others in similar sort of predicament. So yeah, that’s my journey.

Anthony Hartcher 3:08
That’s fantastic to hear Ingrid, the, you know, the fact that you’ve taken your learning experiences, and they are passing  your knowledge plus what you further learns, you know, unto others, and to really help them, empower them to hopefully, make one choice in terms of a relationship.

But if it’s the second choice, you help them in that transition from the first relationship to the second relationship. So really well done.

Ingrid Galloway 3:36
There is definitely hope. Well, I’m on to my second marriage now. Well, hopefully the last one. We’ve been married for 12 years and have two kids. So happiness is possible.

Anthony Hartcher 3:49
Fantastic. So just starting, I guess the topic of Yeah, for those that are looking for their first love. And if you were to reflect back to when you’re 16 years old, what, what have you learned over the years? And what would you do differently as a 16 year old, you know, looking for that first love, or maybe it could be a 20 or 30 year old looking for their first real love?

Ingrid Galloway 4:15
Right? Um, that living through your kids is very damaging to your kid’s soul or psyche. I mean, this is not necessarily looking for your first love. But you know, when you’re younger, and eventually you get into a relationship and you eventually have kids, just let yourself know that living through your kids is very damaging to your kid’s soul or psyche.

And you know, go for your goals and dreams yourself and don’t force your kids to do what you want, because you haven’t achieved it yet due to your own limitations. And I encourage them to soar and be the best versions of themselves. So if you’re a 16 year old, then you know, go for your life, you know, soar and be the best version of yourself yourselves.

Find love, you know, it may not be successful. First time around second time around, it’s okay. It’s just the learning, you know, date people have fun, definitely have fun, because you know, getting married or getting in a long term relationship, it is a commitment. And sometimes you just need some sort of like, experience before you jump on to the big one.

Anthony Hartcher 5:37
Great tips there Ingrid. And I really like that tip for, you know, when you’re thinking about parenthood is not living through your children’s lives or your the life that you wanted to live and try to get the kid to re-enact that light.

Yeah, so really, as you said, to really just focus on obviously raising them, but raising them as free spirits. But continue to work on yourself. And continue to pursue your dreams, make yourself increment, incremental improvements each day. And that, and that, that gives the children something to aspire to, because they can see their parents, making improvements developing themselves and make and it shows that the parents are human, because they’ll make mistakes on their journey to towards their dreams.

And I think that’s, I think a really good tip, because that’s really helpful, from a kid’s perspective in saying that their parents aren’t perfect, their parents have dreams and their parents are pushing the dreams onto the children.

Ingrid Galloway 6:43
There are a lot of helicopter parents nowadays. I noticed that the kids look quite miserable.

Anthony Hartcher 6:51
Great tip there in Ingrid. So from your experience, what do you believe are the key drivers to a successful relationship?

Ingrid Galloway 7:00
Um, I will say, oh, there’s so many. But I will pick three C’s. So first C is commitment, communication, and compromise. So the three C’s, I still remember, you know, like, when I treated this couple for their 60th wedding anniversary in one of the five star hotel, days passed back then I asked them congratulation, you know, 60 years married? That’s Yes. You know, what an accomplishment? So what’s your secret? And then he said, compromise, increase? It’s all about compromise.

Anthony Hartcher 7:44
But I really like it, Ingrid. Because if I look at my first relationship, which failed, you know, I wasn’t good at communication. You know, I was great at the commitment. Yeah, terrific, you know, full full stars for that, or 10 out of 10.

But look at the communication, that was not great. And I’ve learned to be a better communicator over the years, certainly through experience. And, you know, if I look at the compromise side of things probably wasn’t the best in the first relationship in relation to compromise. And if I, you know, look at myself today, from what I’ve learned out of that first relate, first relationship was still great with the commitment side of things, I’ve give myself a 10 out of 10, certainly improving on the communication and way better than ever, you know, I was before and in terms of the compromise much better.

So, yeah, but I think the area of communication is something that I certainly personally need to continue to work on. And just in terms of that thing on communication, because, you know, if I look at the recent statistics, I think through the COVID, period, relationship breakdown has accelerated, and I think year on year, it’s close to double.

I think, you know, where it was, this time last year. And, you know, there’s obviously a lot to contribute to that, you know, there’s a whole lot of stress that’s going on with navigating through a pandemic and not having any experience of moving ourselves through it. And leaders never had an experience of navigating through it.

Ingrid Galloway 9:18
learning experience for everyone. Yeah, yeah.

Anthony Hartcher 9:22
Just on that, there’s a couple of parts of this question. Obviously, there’s that element of stress related to COVID that is introduced into the relationship there’s an element of financial pressures that have been introduced due to COVID.

But the key one of the overarching one, is that communication because ultimately, you know, if you communicate where you’re at how you’re feeling, through communication, you can work as a team and you know, navigate through problems and hardships. I mean, not always.

Yeah, so really came to you to touch on This period of the pandemic, and you know, relationships experiencing hardship. And just what tips can you give couples that are experiencing some hardship during these times? You know, around that communication, those compromise elements?

Ingrid Galloway 10:20
Yeah, definitely. Well, I have a 14 day video series that you can download from my website, I created the 14 Day videos during COVID lockdown knowing in my heart that a lot of couples will be challenged during this time, right? And now that we’re no longer in isolation, I bet you the tips are still useful as a daily guy.

So right now I will share you three tips you can start with and then you can download from my website progressed. Number one, we’ve been talking about communication, right? Number one is humour. All right, when you communicate something with such I’m struggle and anger all the time, you know, of course, you’re going to be more stressful. But if you speak from the point of, you know, being light hearted, of being humorous, it just changed the energy straightaway.

Alright, so I recommend you to take a break from your work or your source of stress and lighten up your spirit by watching a comedy show, for example, you know, their language is the same Yes, maybe they’re joking about COVID as well. But you know, in a light hearted way, and they joke about everything, about everything, and you can go out or you can bring popcorn to survey you don’t have to go out and just bring popcorn to your sofa and watch it in front of your TV or iPad, but do it together. So you lighten up your spirits together.

Number two, we’ve been talking about communication. This is very important. reframing your words and seeing opportunities. For example, you can say, because of COVID, I lost my job. Stressful, right? But if you reframe it like this, because of COVID I have time to chase my dreams, because all you have is time. Right? Isn’t it better? I’ll give you another example. That is close to my heart, right? Because of COVID. I lost a four Auntie’s true story. I lost four Auntie’s in three weeks, between March and April because of COVID. But if I reframe it like this, because of COVID, we have the financial opportunity to buy our first home together.

It started with something negative, but then you balance it out with something positive. So to resolve your you are emotionally balanced. So not very, very charged negatively. Not very, very charged positively. But it’s more balanced. And that’s what we like.

And then number three, just quickly mentioned to you that communication is one of the top three factors of relationship breakup. What are the other two factors money, and the other factor is infidelity. So my tip number three is sexual pleasure, squeezing a quickie. After a hard day at work, you know, whether you’re working from home or you’re working outside, would it be nice to reward yourself with something pleasurable? See your partner don’t look elsewhere? You know, just do it here. Go for it. You know? Those are my three tips.

Anthony Hartcher 13:59
Fantastic, Ingrid. Yeah, I really think they’re practical  tips so, I really liked the practical element of what you do. Is there some other tips in terms of that every day so that, you know, you mentioned that spontaneity around getting romantic and enjoying one another’s company?

And is there anything else that people should be looking at to do on a daily basis, you know, life, from a health perspective, we always encourage people to get out and move their bodies. You know, to eat well, to take some time out. So from a relationship point of view, what should they be putting in their diary?

Ingrid Galloway 14:40
Um, I definitely recommend walking if they’re not into like hardcore exercise. Definitely. Number one, I recommend exercise but if they’re not into hardcore exercise, why don’t you walk around the block, walk to a Zen environment like the beach or the lake or the park around you. Instead of say if you’re single, instead of walking to your fridge over and over again, like, Who are you going to meet, real person, meeting new people, potential new partner, if you keep going to your fridge. Go out and walk around the block or go to the beach or something there, you have more chance to meet new people.

Anthony Hartcher 15:29
And I guess from a couple perspective, that’s a great opportunity to spend some time together. And when you’re exercising, you know how you mentioned that element of humour into the relationship and  finding an environment that’s going to induce that humour, then getting out in nature relaxes you, takes the stress, you know, winds the stress down and enables you to have more effective communication, and at the same time moving your body and so you’re doing that, is that healthy relationship, healthy body?

It’s, you know, it’s a fantastic combination. Definitely. In terms of the other side of relationships, so we’re, we’ve just spoken about how to keep a relationship together, and we sort of touched a bit on how to find someone or meet someone, but we’ll, we’ll go into that probably a bit more detail later on.

But this next question is in relation to a relationship, you know, during COVID, it’s heading downward. And, you know, is there some tips to reigniting that spark? When it’s really sort of hitting rock bottom? What would you recommend couples to do in that situation?

Ingrid Galloway 16:41
Definitely ask for professional help. Yes, don’t suffer alone. Definitely don’t suffer alone. And don’t be ashamed to ask for help. I mean, this is the thing with relationship coaching work, is if you, if you have a business, and your business is failing, or kind of failing, it’s easy for you to engage with a business coach, you know, to ask for help. So then your business goes higher and healthier.

But if it’s a relationship, I don’t know why it’s just so personal, there’s, there’s a shame or guilt factor of asking for professional help, when it’s about your relationship. I don’t know why, people need to, you know, change this mindset. So yeah, my tip will be asked for professional help get one on one coaching, or counselling, or go for a treat, sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the environment that is not very healthy, sometimes moving away from the stressful environment actually can help.

Anthony Hartcher 17:58
And, you know, in some circumstances, you know, relationship staying together for the sake of just keeping face amongst society or for the children or whatever. But the relationship can be really toxic. And, you know, they’ve been down the path of getting some help and it’s just not resolving or not helping the situation.

Is there a guide or some tips around in a healthy breaker, you know, how can couples go about doing this in the right, and an amicable way where both parties are mutually better off?

Ingrid Galloway 18:36
Definitely. Um, the healthy Guide to Healthy breakup is, you know, I understand that whether you are the dumper or the Dumpy have an unsuccessful relationship, it’s painful.

And there’s always an element of hardship and emotional turmoil involved, right? When you are in a marriage, and you have children, especially with your partner, if you’re just the two of you, and there are no kids involved, it’s easier. But when there’s kids involved, there are bigger things at play. You know, a broken heart is one thing, but the logistics of separation is a whole different heartbreak in itself, especially if kids are involved.

So something that can help you in a more practical sense is researching and discovering your options. My suggestion will be if you can somehow play down the emotional roller, emotional roller coaster and think more logically, yeah, instead of being so angry, frustrated, just venting out not thinking clearly. If you can be a bit more logical and have the mindset of you know, what’s the best outcome for mum, dad and the kids. You are on to an easier uncoupling journey, I call it uncoupling.

I just like that term. So I recommend hiring a divorce coach, yes, there is such thing. There’s a business coach, but there’s also a divorce coach, and a mediator, a family lawyer, and avoid going to court as much as possible. If you need a connection to those people, no worries, I can refer you to some good ones. Because the court journey is long, arduous, very stressful, physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially.

You know, if you are not a multimillionaire, think again about going to court this can drag on for years, you know, I’m so the dynamic of parents that don’t get along with each other, after their breakup will damage the children’s future. So if you have kids, and you’re breaking up, please consider this. It is not healthy to stay in a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. But also, it’s not healthy, to not get along after you break up for because it will be damaging for your kids. Growth and future.

Yeah. After that, if you can hire a relationship coach to help you heal from the heartbreak, yeah, so to help you with the emotional mental side of things, especially if you want to be open to love again, right? Because you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past and start learning from your experience. There’s hope, there’s definitely hope you have learned to communicate better.

I mean, you’re always 10 out of 10. So in terms of the commitment department, but communication, you have learned to be better in compromise, you have learned to be better. So yeah, there’s definitely hope.

Anthony Hartcher 21:57
Absolutely, always hope and, you know, we always want to learn from our previous mistakes, and if we’re not accepting that we’ve made mistakes, and how can you ever learn from what’s happened. So I really like that suggestion that you said, the best way to do it is, you know, applying logic and really that, accessing that creative part of our brain. And that’s not assessable when we’re highly stressed, highly emotional in that fight or flight mode.

And given that you’re the chief relaxation officer, haven’t really keen to hear your tips on how people in these times have, you know, well, it’s uncharted territory, and that for some relationships, and there’s a lot of turmoil going on a lot of yelling and screaming, and just no communication.

Essentially, it’s all emotional, and anger and frustration. How can what are some techniques that someone can rather than fly off the handle or just be able to, you know, downregulate that stress, get into that more creative, logical discussion mode?

Ingrid Galloway 23:08
I go, before you say anything, like angry or volatile, just pointing blame to your partner, ex-partner. If you can go through these three gates, three gates, ask yourself, Is it true? Is it beneficial? Is it kind?

I know that you just want to kill your partner or your ex right now. But if you can pause for the moment and ask yourself, Is it true what you are accusing? Or angry about? Is it beneficial for the outcome of the thing? And is it kind because you want to practice especially if your kids can see it? You want to practice kindness, even though this human being has cheated on you or just you just want to kill this person? Yeah.

Anthony Hartcher 24:11
I love that tip of pausing. Because often we can just react and that’s when our, you know, adrenals are flying and yeah, if we can just hold ourselves compose ourselves, pause for that moment of time, take some deep breaths.

Ingrid Galloway 24:26
That’s very important, yes, really.

Anthony Hartcher 24:30
So that’s really helpful. Ingrid. I just, you know, we touched on before you mentioned, you know, for if you’re single and you want to get out and find your love, there’s no point of just walking up off the couch to the TV, you know, TV, TV or to the fridge. You might as well get outside do some, do a walk outside. What are some other great tips for those that are single listening to find their true love?

Ingrid Galloway 24:58
Number one is work on yourself. First, because finding love is 90%, about you and 10% about the other person, yes. If you haven’t worked on yourself, then you will attract the wrong kind of person. Or you will attract another lesson that you need to learn from, you know, whoever you attract, it’s a lesson for you, doing maybe mirroring you.

Say, if you’re an angry self, you haven’t work on your anger, then you will attract that angry partner. So then you can learn from this from yourself, actually, because they are mirroring you. Yeah. So work on yourself, heal yourself, and engage with a relationship coach or counsellor, whoever that you choose, you know, to do that inner work first, and then go out there.

Because that 10% That other person is not going to complete you completely. You’re already lovable, you already complete yourself. They’re just going to add, you know, more wonderful ingredients to your life, but your dish is already yummy. Your dish is already yummy. It’s just another sprinkle of I don’t know rice sprinkle or, or some flakes of lavender to make it prettier, or something like that, you know what I mean?

Anthony Hartcher 26:35
Absolutely. I love language. That’s great. I resonate with what you’re saying, because I, I went on that personal development journey post-relationship breakdown.

So the relationship broke down. And then I thought, now, you know, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got to learn something from this. And so then I went through all this self discovery and did all the self help books and Anthony Robbins courses and, and that really, it did help me greatly for the relationship.

I mean, today, you know, not only finding my dream love, but also being able to do much better as a partner, be much better partner, much better husband now, you know, improving father constantly improving father, but that was the key for me was absolute, I didn’t work on myself prior to the first relationship. And I did all my learning posts. So I think that’s really good.

Ingrid Galloway 27:34
Learning this time around, we’re in areas, you know, 60% marriage Braille down for summer, I understand that.

Anthony Hartcher 27:48
Just in terms of, you know, couples that resonated with your message today, and  your way of thinking about how to reignite that spark or how to basically stay together and have a more fruitful, more romantic, more blissful relationship?

How can couples or singles out there get in touch with you in terms of some further help and support you mentioned, you know, of course that you’ve, you’ve got uploaded on your website? How else can people best contact?

Ingrid Galloway 28:19
Definitely, you can go to my website, That’s KHYANG a n. Because my, my business thing, it is quite unique. Um, you can request a free chat with me so we can find out whether we’re good to work together or not, because I don’t suit everyone.

I know I’m quite direct, but I’m fun. You know, well, if you want a coach that is quite fun, and not always in the drudgery of things. Hey, I’m here. And also, you can like my facebook coach. So so you can follow me there as well.

Anthony Hartcher 29:05
Fantastic. And I’ll put the links down in the show notes. When I upload this so you know, people can have those direct links to your Facebook and website. Ingrid, just if you do have,do you have any words of wisdom that we haven’t covered off that you’d like to share with the listeners and viewers today?

Ingrid Galloway 29:23
No, um, I will say last words. Don’t suffer alone. Really forget about the guilt and the shame. Just ask for help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and be the best happiest version of yourself.

Anthony Hartcher 29:37
Fantastic. Ingrid. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and experience with the listener’s viewers today.

For listeners viewers, if you like this episode, please like and share us with your friends that also may benefit the more we can get this message out to support others.

Please share it amongst your friends that could benefit Stay tuned for more insightful episodes of me and my health bye for now thank you

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